I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
