I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
