Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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