I think I died a long time ago.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
