someone threw a dead crab at me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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