Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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