you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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