you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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