6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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