i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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