i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
