I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
