I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
