Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
