I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
