i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
