bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
