Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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