We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
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