On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
