could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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