I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
