i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
