I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
