You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
