I am midnight drunk by noon
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
