I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
