We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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