i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Floor bacon is actually really good
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
