We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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