I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
someone owes me an orgasm
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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