take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
