youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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