YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
