Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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