I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
