Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Randomize
