planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
