I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There's always time for handjobs
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
