You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Green mimosas i think yes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Randomize
