yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
