You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
