seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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