WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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