Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
