I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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