I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
