you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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