he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
