Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she smelled like a LAN party
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
